I have always been petrified by the idea of being perceived as vulnerable. It has always been associated with danger and unease in my mind. I grew up in a household where I had to grow up fast, unable to rely on adults for safety. I had to create my own by not counting on anybody but myself. It took a toll on my mental health, because I had to be strong no matter the situation which is impossible and a perfect way to set yourself up for failure in a never-ending vicious circle of “I got hurt” “It’s my fault” “I shouldn’t have been in a situation where I could have been hurt” “I need to hyper-vigilant and avoid being hurt at all cost”. Rinse, repeat.
Today, this mindset not longer serves me. I had to admit it helped me back then, but I don’t need it anymore. I had help: my husband told me to seek help and guidance through therapy, when he saw that I was tail-spinning.
I am currently in a process of letting go all old patterns and behaviors that no longer brings me happiness. I am re-evaluating what joy, happiness, safety, friendship, success mean to me today. I don’t have an answer for all of them, but I started by eliminate what brought me sadness, stress and anguish. I had to mourn ideas and projects that I had set for myself:
- What my career would look like after 10 years of working my ass off, often neglecting my physical and mental health.
- What my social would look like, still being that shy kid terrified of being known for who I am.
- What my financial situation would be like, still feeling stuck in “scarcity-mode” although all I do is work all the time.
All of these ideas need to go. I don’t need them anymore.
Due to my education, I have always felt that talking about yourself was indecent and impolite. I could only answer question about myself, if asked by someone. I realize that this mindset robbed me of a few friendships and connections. I regret it and I am willing to change.
Since I was 13 yo, I have kept journals and diary to help me get all of my feelings out of my head. When it is written, I don’ have to think about it obsessively anymore. I helped me a lot, but I kept it secret and hidden, as something slightly shameful.
Today, I am willing to let go and put myself forward and be shameless, impolite and indecent online.
I hope that you will enjoy the ride!